The Guestbook Read online

  And you thought I was drunk! Cheek!

  To be fair, anyone talking to you yesterday would have thought that, you were giggly and saying all sorts of silly things. I have phoned Olly to explain the reason behind your madness. I believe he has phoned you to apologise?

  You should have heard the rude messages that he left for me on Saturday. He can stick his apology up his arse.

  You did tell him you loved him and wanted lots of his babies.

  Unfortunately, that part is true.

  Oh Annie!

  I also told him he’s never having it, and I stand by that.

  And yes I’m well aware you’re rolling your eyes at me right now.

  **********

  16th – 23rd August

  The Meechams AND MAX?

  WE HAVE A NEW DOG CALLED MAX. HE IS A COCK SPANUL AND HAS BIG FLAPPY CURLY EARS. WE ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM TO THE BEACH LATER. IT WILL BE HIS FIRST TIME HE HAS SEEN THE SEA. I THINK HE IS VERY EXCITED.

  MEGAN AGED 7

  Erm Cocker Spaniel.

  Ben Meecham Aged 37 ½

  DADDY, ADULTS DON’T PUT THEIR AGES AFTER THEIR NAMES, ONLY CHILDREN DO.

  Sorry pickle.

  SUNDAY:

  MAX LOVED THE BEACH YESTERDAY. HE KEPT RUNNING OUT INTO THE SEA AND THEN RUNNING BACK IN WHEN THE WAVES CAME IN AND BARKING AT THEM. HE DUG BIG HOLES IN THE SAND AND SPRAYED SAND ALL OVER OUR ICE CREAM. ISABELLE PUT HER ICE CREAM IN MAX’S FUR BUT DADDY JUST TOOK MAX INTO THE SEA TO WASH HIM AND WHEN HE CAME BACK HE SHOOK WATER ALL OVER US AND THEN DADDY DID THE SAME.

  TODAY WE WENT FOR A WALK AROUND THE RIVERS AND MAX JUMPED IN AND GOT ALL MUDDY THEN HE JUMPED UP AT MUMMY AND GOT MUDDY PAW PRINTS ON HER JEANS. MUMMY DIDN’T MIND BUT DADDY SAID MAX WOULD HAVE TO HAVE LESSONS WHEN WE GO BACK HOME. I WONDER HOW GOOD HE IS AT MATHS. MRS DUNSTON MY TEACHER SAYS I AM VERY GOOD AT MATHS. I CAN DO SUMS LIKE 45 + 45 = 90 AND I KNOW THAT IT EQUALS 90 VERY FAST. MY AUNTY HOLLY SAYS I HAVE BIG BRAINS. BUT MY BRAIN CAN’T BE BIGGER THAN THE OTHER CHILDREN BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE A BIG HEAD. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE EGJIPTIANS THOUGHT BRAINS WERE USELESS AND LET THE CATS EAT THEM BUT OTHER ORGANS THEY PUT IN JARS LIKE BIG JAM JARS CALLED CANOPIC JARS. WE MADE ONE AT SCHOOL AND MINE HAD A DOG HEAD ON IT LIKE MAX. DOGS ARE CALLED JACKALS IN EGJIPT.

  MONDAY:

  MAX RAN NEXT DOOR TODAY AS THE GATE BETWEEN OUR GARDEN AND ANNIE’S GARDEN WAS LEFT OPEN AND HE PUT MUDDY PAW PRINTS UP HER WINDOWS. I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT SHOUT AT MAX WHEN SHE CAME OUT BUT SHE WAS STROKING HIM ALL OVER AND HE WAS WAGGING HIS TAIL SO HARD THAT HIS HOLE BODY WAS WAGGING. DADDY SAID HE WAS VERY SORRY AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD CLEAN THE WINDOWS AND WHEN HE DID HE KEPT LOOKING FOR MR BUTTERWORTH WHO WE MET LAST TIME BUT ANNIE SAID THAT HE WASN’T HERE AND DADDY WAS REALLY DISSAPPOINTED. I’M VERY DISSAPPOINTED TOO. MR BUTTERWORTH IS A WRITER AND I WANTED TO SHOW HIM MY STORY. HE SAID HE WOULD READ IT THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE AND I BROUGHT IT UP HERE SPECIALLY.

  Tuesday:

  I hope you’re all settled in. Megan if you want to give me your story I can fax it over to Olly, Mr Butterworth for him to see.

  JUST BEEN NEXT DOOR WITH ANNIE. SHE TOOK MY STORY AND POSTED IT THROUGH A MACHINE. IT CAME OUT THE OTHER END. SHE SAID THE MACHINE HAD TAKEN A PHOTO OF MY STORY AND SENT THE PHOTO TO MR BUTTERWORTH’S FAX MACHINE. ANNIE SAID HIS FAX MACHINE WOULD THEN PRINT IT OUT EXACTLY THE SAME AS MY STORY AND EVEN WITH ALL THE PICTURES. ANNIE ALSO WROTE A NOTE TO SEND TO MR BUTTERWORTH TOO. SHE SAID THE STORY WAS FROM HIS YOUNGEST FAN. WHEN I ASKED WHAT A FAN WAS SHE SAID DADDY WAS A FAN OF MR BUTTERWORTH BECAUSE HE LIKED HIS BOOKS. I’VE SEEN MR BUTTERWORTH’S BOOKS. ONE HAD A PICTURE OF SOMETHING WEIRD ON THE FRONT. IT WAS A DOOR WITH RED PAINT COMING OUT FROM UNDERNEATH. DADDY SAID IT WAS RED PAINT BUT THEN MUMMY GAVE HIM THAT LOOK SHE GIVES HIM WHEN HE IS TELLING LIES. I WONDER WHY MR BUTTERWORTH IS NOT HERE. MUMMY SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH WASN’T REALLY ANNIE’S HUSBAND BUT HE WAS HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME. MUMMY SAID THAT HER HUSBAND HAD DIED AND THAT HER HUSBAND’S BROTHER OLIVER HAD LIED ABOUT HIM BEING HER HUSBAND BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT IS EASIER TO LIE TO CHILDREN THAN EXPLAIN THE TRUTH. I SAID THAT MR BUTTERWORTH THE ONE THAT IS STILL ALIVE SHOULD MARRY ANNIE AND MUMMY SAID THAT IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED BOTH PEOPLE NEED TO LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. BUT LAST TIME WE WERE HERE MR BUTTERWORTH, THE ALIVE ONE, KEPT GIVING ANNIE LOOKS THE SAME LOOKS THAT DADDY GIVES MUMMY THAT SHOWS THAT DADDY LOVES MUMMY MORE THAN CHOCOLATE. DADDY LOVES CHOCOLATE VERY MUCH.

  WEDNESDAY:

  I WAS GOING TO BED LAST NIGHT AND MUMMY WAS READING ME A STORY AND MAX WAS SNORING ON MY PILLOW AND ANNIE CAME ROUND. I HEARD HER TALKING TO DADDY DOWNSTAIRS AND AFTER SHE LEFT DADDY CAME UP AND HE WAS VERY EXCITED AND HE HAD A PIECE OF PAPER THAT HAD COME FROM THE FAX MACHINE. MR BUTTERWORTH HAD SENT ME A MESSAGE SAYING HE LOVED MY STORY AND SPECIALLY LOVED THE PICTURES. HE LIKED THE PART ABOUT THE DRAGON THE BEST AND SAID THAT I SHOULD KEEP WRITING STORIES ALL THE TIME AND I WOULD GET BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER AT IT. HE TOLD ANNIE TO GIVE ME THE MUG HE HAD PAINTED AT HER SHOP, IT SAID WORLD’S BEST WRITER ON THE SIDE. I AM SO HAPPY HE LIKED MY STORY. I’M GOING TO SHOW MY TEACHER HIS LETTER WHEN I GO BACK TO SCHOOL BECAUSE SHE IS A FAN OF MR BUTTERWORTH’S TOO. I HEARD HER SAY TO MISS KANE THAT HE IS FIT AND MISS KANE SAID SHE WOULDN’T SAY NO. I ASKED MUMMY WHAT SHE WOULDN’T SAY NO TO AND MUMMY JUST SAID THAT MISS KANE LIKED HIS BOOKS TOO AND THEN DADDY GAVE HER ONE OF THE LOOKS HE GIVES HER WHEN SHE IS LYING. I WONDER WHY ADULTS LIE SO MUCH. DADDY SAYS IT IS WRONG TO LIE.

  WE HAD ANOTHER DAY AT THE BEACH TODAY AND MAX CHASED THE SEAGULLS. ISABELLE WAS WATCHING HIM AND COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING. HER GIGGERLING WAS VERY FUNNY AND MUMMY AND DADDY WERE LAUGHING AT HER. THEN A BIG SEAGULL CHASED MAX AWAY FROM A SANDWITCH AND MAX WAS SCARED AND CAME BACK TO US BUT THEN HE FOUND A BALL AND RAN AWAY WITH IT. THERE WAS A FAMILY THERE WHOSE BALL IT WAS AND THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY THAT MAX WAS STEALING IT. THE BOYS WERE CHASING MAX DOWN THE BEACH AND MAX THOUGHT IT WAS ALL A GAME.

  THURSDAY:

  MAX HAS GOT A SORE PAW FROM SOMETHING ON THE BEACH. HE KEEPS HOPPING AROUND AND CRYING. ANNIE SAID THERE WAS A NEW MAN THAT HAD MOVED INTO THE VILLAGE THAT WAS A VET AND SHE WOULD GET HIM TO COME OVER AND LOOK AT MAX. HIS NAME WAS BARNEY AND HE WAS VERY FRIENDLY TO MAX AND TO ME. BUT THEN MUMMY CAME IN AND SHE KNEW BARNEY. SHE WENT VERY RED AND BARNEY WENT RED AND DADDY WANTED TO KNOW WHY THEY WERE BOTH RED AND MUMMY SAID THAT SHE USED TO GO OUT WITH BARNEY YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AGO BEFORE SHE MET DADDY. DADDY SHOOK BARNEY’S HAND VERY HARD AND SAID IT WAS NICE TO MEET HIM BUT HE HAD THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT SAID HE WAS LYING ABOUT IT BEING NICE TO MEET HIM. BARNEY TOOK SOMETHING SHARP OUT OF MAX’S PAW AND TOLD MOMMY THAT SHE WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN IT REGULARRLY SO IT DIDN’T GET IN FECTED.

  WE’RE GOING TO THE BEACH NOW BUT DADDY IS STAYING AT HOME WITH MAX. DADDY SAID IT WOULD BE BEST NOT TO TAKE MAX TO THE BEACH TODAY SO HIS PAW CAN GET BETTER BUT MUMMY SAID DADDY WAS BEING SILLY AND THAT IT WAS YEARS AND YEARS AGO. BUT MAX ONLY HURT HIS PAW YESTERDAY.

  WHEN WE CAME BACK FROM THE BEACH WE BUMPED INTO BARNEY AGAIN AND MUMMY AND BARNEY WAS TALKING AND BARNEY SAID HE THOUGHT ABOUT HER SOMETIMES AND THAT HE WAS HAPPY THAT SHE WAS HAPPY AND MUMMY SAID SHE WAS VERY HAPPY AND THAT DADDY MAKES HER HAPPY AND THE GIRLS MADE HER HAPPY. I THINK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME AND ISABELLE AND BARNEY SAID THAT WAS GOOD AND THEN HE HUGGED HER AND SHE HUGGED HIM AND WHEN WE WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE DADDY WAS WATCHING US FROM THE WINDOW. DADDY COOKED US TOAD IN THE HOLE WHICH IS MY FAVOURITE. WHEN WE WERE EATING DINNER MUMMY AND DADDY DIDN’T TALK AND IT WAS VERY QUIET AND I DIDN’T LIKE IT. DADDY TALKED TO ME ABOUT THE BEACH BUT THEY DIDN’T TALK TO EACH OTHER. MAX WAS BEGGING FOR FOOD AND MUMMY GAVE HIM A BIT OF HER SAUSAGE. THEN DADDY TOLD HER OFF ABOUT FEEDING MAX FROM THE TABLE AND SHE SAID THAT SHE DIDN’T WANT IT. DADDY SAID THAT MAYBE HIS SAUSAGE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER AND MAYBE SHE WOULD PREFER BARNEY’S SAUSAGE INSTEAD. THEN MUMMY GOT UP FROM THE TABLE AND SAID DADDY WAS BEING RIDICKULOUS.

  SATURDAY:

  WHEN I WENT INTO MUMMY AND D
ADDY’S ROOM THIS MORNING MUMMY WAS SITTING ON DADDY’S LAP AND THEY WERE KISSING AND BOTH NAKED. THEN DADDY KISSED MUMMY’S BOOBS WHICH MADE ME LAUGH AND MUMMY WENT ALL RED AGAIN WHEN SHE SAW ME. DADDY WAS LAUGHING. MUMMY TOLD ME TO CLEAN MY TEETH AND GO DOWNSTAIRS AND THAT THEY WOULD BE DOWN IN A MINUTE TO MAKE PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST. I LIKE PANCAKES. IT’S MY FAVOURITE BREAKFAST EVER. I’VE CLEANED MY TEETH REALLY QUICKLY AND I’M PLAYING WITH MAX DOWNSTAIRS WHILE THEY GET DRESSED. I THINK THEY ARE JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THE BED LIKE A TRAMPOLINE BECAUSE THE BED IS SQUEAKING. DADDY SAYS I SHOULDN’T JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THE BED BECAUSE I MIGHT BREAK IT. IT’S FUNNY THAT ADULTS CAN DO THINGS THAT CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO.

  JUST HAD PANCAKES AND WE ARE GOING DOWN THE BEACH AGAIN BEFORE WE LEAVE. MUMMY AND DADDY WERE KISSING A LOT IN THE KITCHEN WHEN MUMMY WAS WASHING UP AND DADDY WAS GIVING HER HIS LOOK, THE SAME LOOK HE GIVES CHOCOLATE CAKE. MUMMY WAS LOOKING AT HIM LIKE HE WAS ICE CREAM. MUMMY LOVES ICE CREAM.

  Oh God!!! Out of the mouths of babes.

  Oh my god!! I forget how astute she is getting now.

  **********

  23rd – 30th August

  Imogen and Dan Edwards

  Imogen Brooke

  Thanks for the champagne Annie; I shall enjoy drinking that on my own later.

  Dan The Bastard Edwards didn’t bother to show for our wedding. What was worse was he didn’t even have the decency to let me know. I was standing there, my bridesmaids, my flower girls, the groomsmen, his best man, his parents, my parents, hell my entire family, my work colleagues, everyone was there waiting for him to turn up. And he never did. We waited, we waited some more. I phoned him, Simon his best man phoned him, we all phoned him. Eventually his brother got hold of him, he said three words before he hung up; ‘I’m not coming’. ‘I’m not coming!?’ No why or how, just ‘I’m not coming’.

  Amy Bradley, an old friend of Dan’s and someone I’ve never liked but tried to welcome into my social group, had the audacity to say ‘I told you so.’ So I punched her in the face and left.

  I can’t bear to see all those sympathetic faces, ‘Poor Imogen, jilted at the altar’, ‘Such a lovely girl, so sweet, so nice, how could anyone do this to her?’

  Well fuck being nice, fuck you all. I’m going to enjoy this honeymoon without Dan The Bastard and on Saturday I’ll fly to Venice on my own.

  Imogen

  Sunday:

  I’m so sorry to hear this. Though sympathy is not what you want right now, I get that.

  Annie Butterworth

  How would you have any fucking idea what I want right now, with your beautiful cute cottage with roses growing up the fucking door, your beautiful perfect garden and your beautiful perfect fucking husband who probably fucks you every night in your great big fucking four poster bed. You have no idea what I am going through right now. Dan was supposed to be my happy ever after.

  You’re right I have no idea what it’s like to be jilted at the altar. But I do have some idea what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those sympathetic looks and how desperately you want to get away from them. I do have some idea what that heart breaking feeling is like when you’re completely in love with someone and you lose that person forever or to not have those feelings returned in the first place.

  Your husband fucked you over as well did he?

  My husband died, which pissed me off no end. The day after we had put him in the ground I went down to the graveyard and shouted at his gravestone for a full hour. Then I smashed a vase of flowers on his grave and told him he didn’t deserve to have fucking flowers because he shouldn’t have left me.

  He used to love walking and someone bought him a hiking stick which he used once. I told him he looked like an idiot walking around with it and after that he’d carry it on every walk we went on, just to annoy me. Well that was propped up against the gravestone and I grabbed that and started beating the gravestone with it. The stick got ruined, the flowers got squashed, the police got called and I didn’t give a shit. Until a few days later when the grief finally caught up with me and I didn’t stop crying for months. I’ve had nothing but sympathetic looks for the last two years. So I do have some idea what you are going through right now. Some.

  I couldn’t help giggling at the idea of you standing over a gravestone beating it to death with a hiking stick. Sorry.

  Yes, looking back I must have looked like a madwoman. The elderly vicar who tried to stop me desecrating Nick’s grave has never looked at me the same way since. I think he thought I was possessed by the devil when I growled at him to fuck off or I’d rip his fucking head off. He ran back inside the church so quickly and then came out a few minutes later and threw holy water all over me. You can imagine how well that went down, I started chasing him round the graveyard with the hiking stick. He was screaming for help, screaming that I was going to kill him. I might have done as well if I had caught him but he was quite sprightly for someone so old and managed to get away.

  Sorry, I know I shouldn’t laugh but you do paint quite a picture.

  It’s fine. Grief and anger will do strange things to you. It’s ok to grieve over what has happened, just don’t do anything stupid you’ll regret later. And if you need to talk or get drunk with someone, I’m only next door.

  Thanks

  Monday:

  Feeling a bit better today. Still upset, still angry but less likely to rip someone’s head off or chase them round a graveyard with a hiking stick. If Dan had showed up on Saturday night or even yesterday I think it highly likely I would have killed him. And not metaphorically or figuratively but literally. I feel a bit calmer now. The beach does seem to have that effect on me. My apologies Annie if anything I said or wrote upset you.

  My phone has been ringing none stop since I ran out of my wedding Saturday. No one knows where I am and I guess the last place they would look would be our honeymoon cottage. I’ve texted my Mum to say I’m fine but just need some time to think. Word must have filtered through to my friends as the phone calls have stopped and I’m now just getting supportive texts instead. Nothing from Dan The Bastard.

  I don’t think I’d kill him now, if I saw him, though I’m still seriously considering cutting off his balls and forcing him to eat them.

  Just dropping off a lasagne in case you don’t feel like cooking. You probably don’t feel like eating either.

  Thanks Annie.

  Tuesday:

  Going out for another walk on the beach. I feel even calmer today.

  Hi Immy, Annie let me in, reluctantly.

  I’m so very sorry for what happened on Saturday. I panicked. I love you so much. There has never been any woman before you that I’ve loved half as much as I love you and there never will be.

  I don’t want to put the blame on anyone else; I know I have to take full responsibility myself. However, the boys have been winding me up ever since I proposed about what I would be giving up, how I wouldn’t be allowed out with them anymore, how I’d have to stay in with you every night. On the stag do, I just started to think how much I would miss them, miss the antics we get up to.

  Amy kept saying that tying myself to one woman would be a mistake, that I would get bored and start to resent you. I didn’t want to resent you. She started saying that after the wedding, children would come next, they’d be sleepless nights and dirty nappies and screaming kids and I’d definitely wouldn’t be allowed out to play then and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for all that.

  This is so hard. I wish you were here and I could wrap my arms around you and tell you how I feel. Though after reading the previous comments you have written in this book, maybe for my safety, it’s best that you aren’t here.

  I love you. I can’t live my life without you. I want to be with you and embrace all that that entails. If you take me back I promise never to hurt you ever again.

  I will be in The Frog and Rhubarb across the green if you want to talk.

  I hope you want to talk.

  Dan The Bastard.

>   Oh!

  I have asked Dan back here as I didn’t want to conduct our affairs in public but now I don’t know what to say. He keeps trying to hold me, to talk to me but I don’t want him anywhere near me. He’s apologised a thousand times but it’s not enough. I don’t know what I want from him anymore. How can we just go back to how we were?

  We have spent the last two hours at opposite ends of the lounge, deliberately avoiding eye contact. The silence is unbearable.

  I have asked Annie to make up the bed in the spare room. I can’t sleep next to him tonight as if everything was alright between us. To Annie’s credit she has done this without a single word. I thought she might wade in with her penny’s worth or glare at Dan or say something sympathetic to me, but she acted as if making the spare bedroom up for a couple was the most normal thing in the world.

  Are we still a couple?

  Do we have any future at all?

  Going to bed now, I feel exhausted. Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow. Maybe