The Guestbook Read online

  CHALK HILL IS SO QUAINT AND I LOVE WELLS-NEXT-THE-SEA AND THE CUTE LITTLE BEACH HUTS.

  SATURDAY:

  I’M GOING FOR A WALK SHORTLY AND WILL TAKE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WITH ME. I’M LEAVING SOME OF THEM HERE, SO I WON’T BE GONE LONG. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SO HORRIBLE ABOUT FRANK AND I THINK IT HURTS HIS FEELINGS. PEOPLE AREN’T KEEN ON MIRANDA EITHER, SO SHE CAN STAY HERE AND KEEP FRANK COMPANY.

  DEREK LOVES THE BEACH AND PLAYING IN THE SHALLOWS, I’LL JUST HAVE TO WATCH HE DOESN’T GO TOO DEEP, TORTOISES CAN’T SWIM AFTER ALL.

  HUGO LIKES IT TOO THOUGH I WILL HAVE TO RUB SOME SUN-CREAM INTO HIS BALD PATCHES, BLESS HIM HE’S GETTING OLD NOW AND LOSING A LOT OF HIS FUR. HE’S LOST SO MUCH OF IT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A PIEBALD GOAT. I THINK IT’S BECAUSE HE GETS STROKED SO MUCH BY THE LITTLE CHILDREN. THEY ALL FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE’S ONLY GOT THREE LEGS.

  I’LL TAKE LEONARD TOO, THOUGH HIS SWEARING CAN BE A BIT OF A PROBLEM. I’VE HAD SOME CHILDREN THINK I’M A PIRATE WHEN I WEAR MY BIG FLOPPY HAT AND CARRY LEONARD ON MY SHOULDER AND THEY RUN OVER TO STROKE HIM AND THEN HE TELLS THEM TO FUCK OFF. IT DOESN’T GO DOWN WELL WITH THE PARENTS.

  COLIN CAN GO IN HIS HAMSTER’S BALL, THOUGH HE AND STAN DON’T GET ON WELL. THE LAST TIME WE CAME TO THE BEACH, STAN ROLLED HIM DOWN THE SEAFRONT AND THEN BURIED HIM IN THE SAND. I’VE TOLD COLIN THAT IT’S NOT STAN’S FAULT. WITH ONLY ONE GOOD EYE, THE POOR DOG GETS CONFUSED SOMETIMES AND THINKS COLIN’S BALL IS A REAL ONE, I DON’T THINK STAN SEES THAT COLIN IS INSIDE. COLIN DOESN’T BELIEVE IT THOUGH. LAST TIME I LET HIM RUN ROUND THE LOUNGE HE SNUCK UP ON STAN AND BIT HIM ON THE TAIL. THE HOWLING SENT POOR LEONARD INTO A RIGHT TIZZ. HE WAS SWEARING ABOUT IT FOR DAYS.

  JUST GOT BACK FROM OUR WALK. LEONARD WAS ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOUR AND ONLY SWORE ONCE. IT WAS A SHAME IT WAS THE C WORD AND THAT HE USED IT WHEN A POLICEMAN WAS WALKING PAST. I MANAGED TO KEEP STAN AWAY FROM COLIN. UNFORTUNATELY A CRICKET BALL LANDED ON DEREK AND CRACKED HIS SHELL SO I’VE JUST SELLOTAPED IT BACK UP WITH BROWN PARCEL TAPE.

  OH DEAR, JUST REALISED THAT MIRANDA’S VIVARIUM IS EMPTY. SHE HASN’T EATEN SINCE TUESDAY SO SHE’LL BE HUNGRY.

  I CAN’T FIND GABRIEL EITHER. HE DOESN’T LIKE THE SAND GETTING IN HIS WHISKERS SO I LEFT HIM IN MY KNITTING BASKET BUT NOW HE’S NOT THERE. I’VE TOLD MIRANDA NOT TO EAT THE OTHERS AND HOW ANGRY I WAS THAT SHE ATE ERIC LAST YEAR. BEING EATEN IS NO WAY TO GO.

  I’VE SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR MIRANDA. SHE’S A BIG PYTHON TOO; I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE FOUND HER BY NOW.

  SCREAMS COMING FROM NEXT DOOR. THAT NORMALLY IS A GOOD INDICATOR OF MIRANDA’S PRESENCE. I DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE SCREAM WHEN THEY SEE HER. IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S BIG ENOUGH TO EAT A HUMAN.

  JUST HURRIED NEXT DOOR TO FIND ANNIE’S FRIEND SOPHIA STANDING ON A CHAIR SCREAMING AND ANNIE PICKING UP MIRANDA AND TELLING HER HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE WAS.

  I FELT VERY PROUD OF MIRANDA, SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SNAKES I’VE EVER SEEN AND NOT MANY PEOPLE TELL HER SO. I WAS QUITE PLEASED BY ANNIE’S REACTION TO MIRANDA AND HOW KIND SHE WAS TO HER, BUT ANNIE WENT DOWN IN MY ESTIMATIONS WITH HER REACTION TO FRANK. AS ANNIE WAS HELPING ME PUT MIRANDA BACK IN HER VIVARIUM SHE NOTICED FRANK IN HIS TANK AND FREAKED OUT. SHE GOT QUITE FUSSY ABOUT HIM SAYING THAT HE BETTER NOT ESCAPE AND END UP NEXT DOOR OR HE’D END UP BEING A FLAT TARANTULA. I DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE SO HORRID. IT MUST UPSET HIM TO HEAR SUCH THINGS.

  IT DOES SEEM THOUGH THAT GABRIEL HAS BEEN EATEN, MIRANDA HAS A SUSPICIOUS BULGE IN HER STOMACH WHICH LOOKS TO BE RAT SIZED. I’VE TOLD HER OFF AND SHE LOOKS VERY APOLOGETIC BUT POOR GABRIEL, HE WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO COMING ON HOLIDAY AS WELL.

  Mrs Cumblewick, I’m so sorry to hear about Gabriel’s death. We get so attached to our pets. My chickens were killed by foxes recently and I was so upset.

  When we spoke on the phone and you asked if you could bring your pets, I had no idea you meant a dog, a goat, a hamster, a rat, a snake, a tarantula and a parrot. Oh and a goldfish, I just spotted him on top of the TV. Oh and a tortoise too, I didn’t notice him because he was covered in parcel tape.

  I’m sorry I wasn’t kind about Frank; I do have a bit of a spider phobia. It doesn’t make sense, we are so much bigger than them, but then phobias aren’t rational. Some people are scared of heights, or closed spaces, some people even have a phobia of beards or cheese. I think being scared of something with eight hairy legs and fangs makes more sense than being scared of a block of cheese from Asda.

  Could I ask that you tether your goat in the garden so he can’t reach the plants in the borders? I want Hugo to enjoy his holiday too but I see that he has taken a liking to some of the flowers already and I would like my garden to be enjoyed by future guests. Could you also keep an eye on Derek for the same reasons? And it might be an idea to keep your pets indoors at night. As I said we have a lot of foxes around here and I would hate for any more of your beloved pets to meet the same fate as my chickens or poor Gabriel.

  Annie Butterworth

  I UNDERSTAND YOUR PHOBIA, NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS LEVEL HEADED AS ME. THOUGH I DO HAVE A TERRIBLE PHOBIA OF CLING FILM, THOUGH I THINK THAT’S QUITE A RATIONAL FEAR.

  I APPRECIATE YOUR KINDNESS OVER ALLOWING MY PETS TO STAY, NOT MANY HOTELS OR HOLIDAY COTTAGES ARE AS PATIENT OR KIND. I WILL DO MY BEST TO ENSURE DEREK AND HUGO DON’T EAT ALL YOUR LOVELY FLOWERS. I’VE TOLD THEM NOT TO AND NORMALLY THEY ARE QUITE OBEDIENT.

  AS FOR THE FOXES, NONE OF MY ANIMALS WILL BE OUTSIDE AFTER DARK. APART FROM MIRANDA, FRANK, LEONARD AND GOLDIE ALL THE OTHER ANIMALS WILL BE SLEEPING IN THE BED WITH ME. DON’T WORRY, THEY’RE ALL PERFECTLY HOUSE TRAINED.

  STRANGE. ANNIE HAS JUST READ MY MESSAGE AND WALKED AWAY LAUGHING TO HERSELF. NOT QUITE SURE WHAT’S SO FUNNY.

  SUNDAY:

  ANOTHER LOVELY DAY AT THE BEACH TODAY WITH MY PETS. I FEEL LIKE THE PIED PIPER SOMETIMES WITH THE CHILDREN THAT HANG AROUND, STROKING AND PLAYING WITH ALL THE ANIMALS.

  HAVE JUST LIT A FIRE AS HUGO AND STAN LOVE CURLING UP IN FRONT OF IT. POOR DEREK IS HAVING A REALLY ROUGH WEEKEND. SOMEHOW HE GOT TOO CLOSE TO THE FLAMES AND THE PARCEL TAPE CAUGHT FIRE. I ONLY JUST MANAGED TO PUT IT OUT IN TIME BEFORE IT SPREAD. NOW HIS SHELL IS LOOKING A BIT BLACK AND SINGED. LEONARD KEEPS LAUGHING AT HIM AND TELLING HIM HE’S AN IDIOT.

  MONDAY:

  HAD A LOVELY WEEKEND AND ALL THE ANIMALS HAD A GREAT TIME TOO. WELL APART FROM DEREK AND POOR GABRIEL. WE’LL COME AGAIN SOON.

  We’d be glad to have you back any time.

  **********

  Annie are you mad? I would think that now Mrs Cumblewick has left you’d be slamming the proverbial stable door and never having her back again. You moan about Mrs Applecroft being rude but you open your arms to the entire freaky menagerie of Mrs Cumblewick?

  Well once I’d got over the shock of seeing a tarantula in Willow Cottage, I was ok with it. Admittedly a woman who sleeps in the same bed as a three legged goat, a half blind dog, a hamster and a tortoise with a cracked shell is clearly madder than a box of frogs but as she quite rightly pointed out they were all house trained.

  In some ways animals are easier to deal with than rude customers. Apart from their fondness for eating each other they generally seem to be quite civil.

  Apart from Leonard. It seems poor David Lambeth was the policeman that Leonard swore at down at the beach the other day. I think David was quite embarrassed.

  Ah a foul mouthed parrot is the least of my worries. I’d rather that than rude customers.

  It’s nice to see the smile back on your face again after all the stress with Olly over the last few weeks. I know we haven’t spoken about it for a while, but have you had any more thoughts about the will?

  Yes. I’m not doing anything about it and I expect you to keep your promise and not tell Olly either. Nick had no right to leave it to Olly in the will and after Olly’s attitude the last time he was here, he certainly isn’t having it.

  Have you spoken to him at all?

  No.

  Have you?

  A bit. He’s miserable.

  Of his own makin
g.

  I know.

  Damn it, I don’t want him to be miserable.

  Tell him about the will, please.

  No, absolutely not.

  **********

  8th – 11th August

  Gladys Clearwater and Madge Ambrose

  Friday:

  We are here for the Eastern regional championships of the Great Cake Baking Challenge. We have left the men at home to fend for themselves and we have come to represent the town of Beccles.

  The regional championships take place every year in the town of the previous year’s winner. Last year’s winner, a Sophia Lorenzo, comes from this neck of the woods and so we find ourselves here.

  Of course we won our town’s qualifying round and the Suffolk County Championships and now we are here ready to take part in the regional championships.

  Gladys.

  MAY I JUST REMIND YOU THAT WE GOT THIS FAR LAST YEAR ONLY TO BE PIPPED TO THE POST AT THE LAST SECOND.

  MADGE.

  Yes but this year we have the secret ingredient.

  GLADYS!! WE ARE USING COLA; THERE IS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT.

  Of course not.

  I’ve just been reading back over some of the comments in this book. It seems we have entered the camp of the enemy. Sophia Lorenzo is a cleaner here and a very good friend of the landlady Annie Butterworth. We will have to watch our backs.

  Hi Ladies.

  Just popped by to see how you’re settling in. I hope you do really well in the competition on Sunday. I know Sophia is looking forward to it too. I’m sure you’re only joking about ‘the enemy’s camp’. There are no enemies here, just lots of fantastic cooks taking part in a friendly cake competition. If you want me to trial any of your cakes tomorrow then I’d be more than happy to be the guinea pig.

  MMMM SO YOU CAN STEAL ALL OUR IDEAS, I DON’T THINK SO.

  Madge, Annie is right. Of course Sophia is not our mortal enemy. We’d be happy to let you have a try of our competition entry tomorrow if there’s any going spare.

  We have a big day tomorrow refining our entry for Sunday, so we’re off to bed now.

  Saturday:

  We’ve done this recipe so many times, we could do it in our sleep. We’re just going for a walk to clear our heads and talk tactics before we make the final piece.

  Ladies, Annie told me you were entering in the regional finals tomorrow. Just popped by to wish you both luck. I’ve had cola cakes in the past but I’ve never had one I’ve enjoyed before. I’m sure yours will be different though. Of course I didn’t win the National championships last year but I did come second and I got a free night at the Hilton in London. It would be lovely to see you at the Nationals this year, it’s a shame only one of us can win at the Regionals tomorrow.

  Good Luck. Sophia

  COW.

  Madge!!

  We have just finished making two cakes from the same batch. We will trial one and if it’s not good enough we have time to make a second batch.

  I’ve been called over to test the Apple and Cola cake. It smells delicious and I can’t wait to try it.

  Annie

  Oh, the cake tastes fantastic, it’s so yummy.

  Just had my second slice and the ladies are so lovely to talk to. They make me laugh a lot.

  Third slice before I go. It’s so moreish.

  We are off out for another walk now, but it seems we have done well.

  I’ve just snuck back in. I can’t get enough of this cake. It’s soooo good.

  The sky is so blue like the sea on a hot summer’s day. The clouds are all fluffy like candy floss. I’ve never noticed before just how green the leaves are outside. I feel like writing a poem about them.

  The Green Leaves of Wells

  Chime in the wind like bells.

  Ok, I’ve never been good at poetry before but that is pure brilliance.

  Just one more slice of cake then I must go and see William and the cows.

  I’ve just phoned Olly, he didn’t answer so I spoke to his answerphone. I told him I loved him and wanted lots of his babies. He’s going to be so mad when he gets that message. I can’t stop laughing about it.

  I’ve just phoned him again and told him he was a pompous git and that he needed to remove his head from his rather gorgeous arse and see the bigger picture. I think he might be mad about that too.

  I’ve just been wondering around Willow Cottage. It feels quite naughty as if I’m snooping around someone else’s home even though it’s mine. It really is a lovely cottage; Nick would have been so pleased with what I have done with it.

  Oh My God! There is a hole in the downstairs bathroom, it’s only small but if you lie down on the floor you can see right through to my bathroom next door. You can see the whole of the shower and the sink and the toilet. Thankfully I don’t use that bathroom very often, as I have a rather posh en-suite upstairs. Must remember to seal it up so I don’t have any peeping toms.

  Olly just phoned me back. He accused me of being drunk. Cheeky sod, it’s only two-o-clock in the afternoon. I told him he was a rude and arrogant arse. I also told him he wasn’t having it no matter what Nick says. Though Olly didn’t know what ‘IT’ was that he wasn’t having. I told him it was mine and he wouldn’t have it if he begged for it. I read him some of my rather brilliant poetry and then he got all stern and asked what I had been taking. After that I hung up. He phoned me back twice but I didn’t answer. He’s going to be properly mad. It’s so funny.

  Sophia has just phoned me too to ask if I’m drunk. She is somewhere else today. She did say when I saw her this morning. But for the life of me I can’t remember. Olly has obviously rung her to get her to check on me. Stupid arse. Why on earth would I be drunk? I feel great.

  I do feel tired actually. I might go for a kip. Just one more slice before I go to bed.

  Oh dear. Luckily the judges will only be having one slice tomorrow.

  IT DOES SEEM THAT THE CAKE IS QUITE ADDICTIVE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OUR LITTLE OLD APPLE AND COLA CAKE WOULD HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT?

  Sunday:

  The day of the competition. Our wonderful cake will soon wipe the smile off Sophia Lorenzo’s face.

  WE HAVE TO BE THERE SHORTLY SO WE BETTER PACK UP OUR CAKE AND HEAD DOWN THERE.

  Oh God! Woke up this morning with a banging headache after passing out seemingly for over nineteen hours. Have just thrown up as if it was an Olympic event. I can only assume there was something dodgy about that cake. After eating it, the afternoon passed in a blurry haze. I’ve just rushed round to tell the ladies that I had some severe kind of food poisoning from it so they don’t take it to the cake competition but they’ve already left.

  Crap! Just read my messages from yesterday which I have no recollection of writing. I phoned Olly? I don’t even remember doing that, let alone what I said. Though from my previous messages it clearly wasn’t good. Where the hell is my mobile phone? I need to apologise to him.

  Have just found it in the fridge! Twelve answerphone messages, eleven very rude ones from Olly so there’s no way I’m apologising now. One concerned message from Sophia. I have a vague recollection of her checking on me last night.

  I need to get down to the cake competition to stop the judges and other competitors from getting food poisoning like I did.

  Monday:

  Just here to clean Willow Cottage after the fiasco that was the cake competition yesterday.

  Gladys and Madge entered their Apple and Cola cake which was tested by a panel of three judges. They loved it and decreed them the winner. The other competitors also tasted it and loved it. I, thankfully, declined to try it.

  Unfortunately one bite was seemingly not enough and by the time Annie turned up there was a crowd of people around the cake like flies round shit, jostling and pushing each other so they could have a second, third and fourth slice. Soon a fight broke out. Eleanor McGrew, one of the judges, ended up with a broken nose. Kevin Peterson got a black eye. The police had to break it up. W
hen they realised that the fight was over the cake they knew something was suspicious.

  With Annie’s version of events added to the mix, it was quite obvious that they were dealing with Cannabis or something similar.

  Gladys and Madge were arrested for possession of drugs. They were bailed and have just returned rather shame faced to the cottage to collect their things. As there was no cake left there is no hard evidence against them and it’s likely that the charges will be dropped.

  What’s worse was that the judging panel obviously disqualified their cake from the competition but were too stoned or beaten up to be able to declare a new winner which would obviously have been mine. It’s a shambles!

  There is going to be a new Eastern Regional Championship later on in the year. Thankfully, Gladys and Madge will not be allowed to enter.