One Hundred Proposals Read online

  ‘You hate skiing.’

  I had said that hadn’t I. Because this photo was taken when we had our first and last skiing lesson a year before. I had spent forty minutes falling on my bum – as kids as young as five glided effortlessly past me – and the last twenty minutes of the lesson, after Harry had been upgraded to the adult slopes, trying to get up and rolling around on the floor with my skis in the air, looking like an oversized beetle stranded on its back. Harry had felt sorry for me that I had failed so spectacularly and had taken me sledging instead. Much more up my street. There was no skill at all involved in sliding down a slope in a red plastic sledge.

  ‘I like it now. I’m very proficient. Obviously just needed the right instructor.’

  ‘Well that’s great, maybe we can go together sometime.’

  I fixed a smile onto my face. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  I cast around for a suitable name and a suitable adjective to describe him, something comparable to Sexy Samantha. I had nothing, no names in my head at all. The only name in my head was Harry and that would be too weird. He was staring at me, waiting for me to come up with a name, the silence stretched on. I had to say something.

  ‘Tim.’ I almost shouted out with relief. ‘Tiny Tim.’

  Great. Just great.

  Harry’s face fell. ‘Tiny Tim?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘As in…’ he waggled his little finger at me.

  ‘No, no, of course not, he’s very big in that department. Big all over in fact. Huge. It’s kind of an ironic name.’

  ‘Big like me?’

  ‘Well I have no idea how big you are in that department.’ My eyes cast down to the sizeable bulge in his jeans and I felt my cheeks burn as he clearly saw me checking him out.

  ‘I meant in height,’ Harry said. I’m sure I saw his mouth twitch as he supressed a smile.

  ‘Oh yes, he’s very tall.’

  ‘Good. That’s good. I have a friend who’s a ski instructor at the Snow Zone, he might know your Tim. What’s his surname?’

  ‘Timmings.’

  I was a terrible liar.

  ‘Tim Timmings?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  A horn tooted outside and Harry peeled back the net curtain to wave at Sexy Samantha as she leaned on the bonnet of her sexy red convertible. I didn’t think I’d ever be so relieved to see her again.

  ‘Well have fun.’ Harry threw me a cursory wave as he thundered down the stairs. A second later I heard the front door slam.

  I peered out the window, hoping not to be noticed as Harry swept Sexy Samantha into his arms and swung her round as if he hadn’t seen her in months. As he deposited her on the floor she waved up at me and I was forced to wave politely back.

  With a wheel spin and the stereo blaring out something young and hip, the red convertible roared up the road, taking my heart with it.

  I’d been in love with Harry for two long, painful years and we were further away today from getting together than we had been when we first met. We were now firmly in the friend zone and there was never any coming back from that.

  Two years was way too long for unrequited love. It was time I moved on with someone else. I would just fall out of love with him, simple as that.

  I sighed as I walked into my bedroom and got changed into my cow print onesie. I flicked through some songs on my iPod until I found something suitably rousing and as Gloria Gaynor started belting out ‘I am what I am’, I turned up the volume, leapt up onto the bed and danced and wiggled my bum in time with the lyrics. I was highly skilled in the playing of air drums and as Gloria reached a crescendo so did my frenetic drum playing. As the instrumental kicked in I leapt off the bed, doing the splits mid-air. I pulled a muscle in my groin and as I flicked my hair theatrically out of my face I saw Harry’s eyes widen in horror as I landed on top of him, one leg somehow hooked over his shoulder as my other foot kicked him square in his crotch.

  He screamed in pain. I screamed with embarrassment as he staggered back and landed hard on his bum, my leg still wrapped round his neck.

  Gloria was still singing loudly in the background as we stared at each other. Finally I managed to speak.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Currently, wondering if I’ll ever be able to have sex again. Can you please get off my lap?’

  I quickly climbed off him, kneeing him in the face as I tried to stand up. He slowly staggered to his feet, doubled over in obvious pain.

  ‘I forgot my wallet,’ he said, by way of explanation.

  I swallowed. ‘You saw me dance?’

  He lifted his head and this time there was no mistaking the grin. ‘From the very beginning to the dramatic finale.’

  I groaned.

  ‘I better go, Samantha will be wondering where I am. Nice onesie by the way. Does Tiny Tim have one too? A horse or a pig perhaps?’

  I stared down at myself, at the pink udders hanging limply from my stomach, and wanted the ground to swallow me up. ‘He’s not coming round till later.’

  ‘Of course not. And I imagine he thinks you look quite cute in it.’

  Cute? Puppies were cute. Is that how he thought of me, as a cute little puppy?

  He moved to the top of the stairs and I followed him.

  ‘Do you think I look cute in it?’

  He turned and walked back up a few stairs, kneeling on the stair below me so we were eye to eye. ‘Yes.’

  My heart dropped. I was so far in the friend zone I was now categorised as cute. He’d be patting me on the back next and telling me he saw me like a sister.

  ‘Sexy cute?’

  ‘No.’

  My heart sank into my feet.

  ‘I bet Samantha would look sexy in it?’

  ‘I doubt it. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to look sexy in it.’

  I felt slightly better at this.

  ‘And don’t underestimate the value of cute, it’s a great quality to have.’ He leaned forward and kissed me on the nose. ‘And don’t stay up too late, I have a big day planned for you tomorrow.’

  He ran down the stairs and was gone a second later.

  I touched my nose, still feeling the softness of his lips. He thought I was cute. I smiled as I fell in love with him all over again.

  Chapter Two

  I woke the next day with a start, being quite simply torn from a dream about Jack – a memory of playing with him on the beach as he tried to put wet seaweed down my back. As I became more conscious, the loss of losing him hit me all over again.

  I knew immediately that someone was in the room with me. I was face down on my pillow and I leaned up and swept my curtain of tangled brown hair off my face. Harry was sitting next to me on the bed, sipping his coffee and reading my very dog-eared copy of The Hobbit.

  I scowled at him. I wasn’t a morning person.

  ‘Do you not knock?’

  Harry’s attention didn’t even waver from the page he was reading. ‘You gave me a key.’

  ‘I could have been naked.’

  He put his book down and looked at me. ‘All the more reason for me not to knock.’

  I blushed and climbed off the bed.

  Most mornings I woke to this. I must admit, it was a lovely way to wake up. One night, after these early morning visits had become more regular, I went to bed in my sexiest lingerie in the hope that the following morning he would come in and be so turned on that he might immediately ravish me. But not only did he not even bat an eyelid when he saw me in my black, satin nightie, he was more excited about his McDonalds breakfast and the free hash brown he had been given by the girl flirting with him behind the counter than what I had to offer. To add insult to injury, as I tried to arrange myself subtly into a sexy pose on the bed next to him as he chomped through his Bacon and Egg McMuffin, I had simply slithered off the bed into a crumpled heap on the floor. Nowadays it seemed much easier and more comfortable to sleep in my regular pyjamas.

/>   Harry handed me a coffee fresh from the café round the corner. I took a sip – it was made exactly how I liked it, with three sugars and a dash of hazelnut syrup. As I went to take another sip, I realised that a small heart had been drawn in the froth on the top. I smiled and hovered near his side, peering round him to the brown paper bag I could see tucked by his hip.

  He was busy reading so I coughed loudly to gain his attention. When he glanced up, I looked deliberately at the bag.

  ‘How do you know this is for you?’

  ‘Because you always bring me nice things from the café. What is it this morning, an apricot Danish, ooh a walnut plait or…’

  He whisked it out the bag and showed it to me, and the words dried in my throat. Iced into the top of my favourite cinnamon swirl were the words ‘Marry Me.’

  I had almost forgotten about this silly hundred proposals thing. I’d hoped he’d forgotten as well. But now it looked like he really did mean to torture me. One hundred days. One hundred different ways to break my heart.

  I looked at him and he was watching me hopefully.

  ‘It’s certainly unique.’ I took the bun from him, and picked a currant out of it, averting my gaze from his. I forced my voice to sound normal before I spoke again. ‘If I bite into this am I at risk of swallowing a diamond ring?’

  He shook his head. ‘No ring. You said a ring was clichéd. Besides, why propose with diamonds when you can propose with cinnamon and coffee?’

  ‘You should take a picture of it before I eat it. Put it on the blog.’ I had a huge lump in my throat.

  ‘Good idea.’ He whipped out his phone, pressed a few buttons and pointed it in my direction. I held it out for him to get a good angle and realised my hands were shaking. Harry realised it too. To my shame, tears swam in my eyes.

  Harry was off the bed in a second. ‘What’s wrong, what’s happened?’

  ‘Nothing, I’m fine. Just tired.’ I stepped away from him but he pulled me back, holding me tight and squashing the bun between us. I breathed him in, his wonderful earthy smell as he started to stroke my back.

  ‘Did something happen with Tiny Tim?’

  I couldn’t keep up with the lie any longer and it had achieved nothing anyway.

  ‘We broke up,’ I said into his chest, hoping that would explain why I was soaking his shirt with my tears.

  ‘Oh honey, I’m sorry.’ His hand moved to my hair and my breath caught in my throat. ‘Had you been seeing him long?’

  Oh what a tangled web we weave.

  ‘A few weeks. It wasn’t serious, but I really liked him. But obviously I liked him more than he liked me.’

  ‘Well then the man’s an idiot. Who wouldn’t love a girl in a cow print onesie?’

  I giggled.

  He tilted my face up to look at him.

  ‘Right, enough tears. Any man who makes you cry is not worth it.’

  If only he knew.

  ‘Anyway, I have a day out planned for you today, so stop moping around and get yourself showered and dressed.’

  He released me and we both looked at the squashed bun. Although it looked a bit worse for wear, the words ‘Marry Me’ were still very obvious on the top. Harry took a photo and I quickly ate it so I wouldn’t have to stare at the empty words any longer. It tasted good, despite the fact that with every mouthful my heart broke a little bit more.

  ‘So, as proposals go, is this what you imagined for yourself?’ Harry asked, when it was gone.

  ‘Undoubtedly. The perfect proposal. So you don’t have to bother with the other ninety-eight different ways now. Write on the blog that you bought me a cinnamon swirl and I caved. I’m a cheap date, easily pleased.’

  Harry pulled a face. ‘It was a bit cheap and naff, wasn’t it? Ok, for my next one it will be something huge.’

  ‘Really, the cinnamon swirl was cute… and don’t underestimate the value of cute.’

  But Harry was already walking away into the office, scrolling through his phone as he went.

  ‘Harry, are you listening? Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a personalised cinnamon swirl.’

  ‘Get in the shower, woman, I need to make some calls.’

  I sighed. I had to sway him from this path. Ninety-eight heart-breaking days stretched ahead of me like an endless desert, with no respite from the sun.

  I got in the shower and stuck my head under the stream.

  No, I could do this. Proposals were my entire waking life. My dreams were plagued by them too. Something like this could only be good for business. I just had to become immune to the words. They were empty and meaningless. And now I knew that I was to expect it every day, I could prepare myself for it, pretend in my head the words meant something else.

  I got dressed quickly and walked into the office.

  ‘Hey.’ Harry was busy typing. ‘Our blog has nineteen followers already.’

  ‘Our Proposer’s Blog? This hundred proposals malarkey?’

  ‘Malarkey? I’m offended.’ He smiled up at me briefly before returning his attention to the screen. ‘Yes, I guess they want to see what I come up with next.’

  I leaned over him to see what he had written and caught a whiff of his wonderful clean earthy smell. There was the close-up picture of my squashed bun, and another picture I hadn’t realised he had taken – of me eating it, my hair a full bird’s nest, my face red and blotchy from the tears, dressed in my rather unflattering cow print onesie. Great!

  Under the picture was Harry’s blog.

  Proposer’s Blog

  Day 2: The Cinnamon Swirl Proposal. Location: Suzie’s bedroom (I assure you, nothing saucy going on here).

  Is the way to a woman’s heart through her stomach?

  Our Suzie McKenzie has a very sweet tooth and so I thought to charm her with a sweet proposal of her own. Nadia’s Bakery, St Patrick’s Road makes the best Cinnamon Swirls in the world and it’s one of Suzie’s all-time favourite things to eat for breakfast. So when I explained the situation to the lovely Nadia this morning she was more than happy to provide me with a personalised one along with a heart-topped latte.

  So what was Suzie’s reaction? She seemed a bit blasé about it actually. Wolfed it down and barely registered the words.

  That wasn’t true of course, but it was better he wrote that than writing that I burst into tears.

  I always thought those proposers that pop the question with a ring at the bottom of the champagne glass were silly – who wants to fish the diamond ring out of the toilet a few days later? Though now Suzie’s eaten my proposal, there’s nothing left of it apart from the icing on her lips.

  I immediately checked my lips and I saw Harry smirk out of the corner of my eye.

  Next time, I will do something grand. Something she can’t possibly miss. Plus, who would really say yes over a 59p Cinnamon Swirl?

  ‘That makes me sound shallow,’ I said, squeezing past him to log on to my own computer.

  ‘Not shallow, just greedy. And don’t bother logging on, we’re going out.’

  ‘I can’t, it’s our busiest time of the year, you know that. Three days before Valentine’s Day, all those last minute Larrys will be phoning us up for support.’

  ‘I’ve already diverted the calls to your mobile and you can still pick up your emails, besides today is completely work orientated – we’re sourcing new locations, so stop making excuses and get your boots on.’

  When I hesitated, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out the office.

  I laughed. ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘First stop, we’re going to buy you some decent pyjamas, so the next boyfriend won’t be scared off by seeing you in that onesie.’

  I stopped dead and when he turned to look at me, his eyes were kind.

  ‘Jack bought it for me,’ I said, quietly.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I’m not getting rid of it.’

  ‘I’m not saying throw it out. But I know Jack, he had a wicked sense of humour and you know as well as
I do that he bought it for you as a joke because you used to take the piss out of onesies and people that wore them. You know that he never intended for you to wear it at all let alone every day since his death. If you want to keep it, keep it. All I’m talking about is options. Something else you could wear that would show off that fabulous figure of yours.’

  I opened my mouth to protest as the last words he said slammed into my brain. Fabulous figure?

  He moved his hands to my shoulders and when he spoke his voice was soft.

  ‘I know you’re trying to keep your brother alive, keep him close, but he would be cringing if he could see you wearing that thing and you know that. Keep him close with your memories of him, not by compromising who you are.’

  I blinked. That was very profound for half nine on a Thursday morning.

  ‘I’m just saying, the Suzie McKenzie I know and love wouldn’t be caught dead in something like that.’

  ‘I think it’s funny.’ I knew I sounded like a petulant child.

  ‘Yes, for about five minutes after you opened your present – it’s not quite so funny eight months later.’

  He had a point. I’d washed it so many times that the white patches were now grey and the udders were looking decidedly limp.

  ‘And while we’re on the subject. You can stop wearing black as well. We’re not in the Victorian times anymore.’

  He pulled me into the bedroom and I followed, still in shock over his brutal honesty. He opened my wardrobe and pulled out my favourite scarlet jumper dress. ‘You can wear this today with those purple leggings.’

  They would clash horribly. I smiled

  ‘And you can wear them with those Barbie pink boots you love so much and…’ He rooted around in one of my drawers, finally found what he had been looking for, pulled it out and thrust it into my face. ‘This. You’ll wear this.’

  ‘But –’

  ‘No buts. Get changed. You have five minutes.’

  I stared after his retreating back and then down at the black shirt and black trousers I had put on out of habit. In the months after Jack’s death my taste in bright and garish clothes had seemed disrespectful somehow. Was one month too soon to return back to my colourful spots, stripes and swirls? Was two months? But now it had been eight months and I had seemingly been wearing black ever since. My bright clothes even seemed to have a thin layer of dust on them as they hung forgotten in my wardrobe. Harry had a point. Again.